Harsh and Healing

So, I continue to write, though I am keenly aware that I still cannot audibly talk about my son yet without crying.  That is almost without Sobbing.  I get choked up.  And yet I know that is ok.  It reminds me of the old Patty Loveless country song  “How can I help you to say goodbye”  in the lyrics it says, “it’s ok to hurt and it’s ok to cry.”

The question I ask myself, the question I find myself asking Nate is why?  Why did you do this Nate?

In the harsh reality of this season, I am wondering how I like so many others do not take seriously the words written in the Bible.  I our, in my desire for a soothing convenient gospel I mentally gloss over the strong words used in Scripture. 

Like Jesus own words, In John 10:10 “The Thief (Satan) comes only to STEAL, To KILL, To DESTROY, But I have come that you might have life and life more abundant.”

Am I so naïve to think that Satan is not eagerly desiring to KILL and DESTROY?  That he is a harmless little elf.  Let me be clear, He is not harmless, not invincible, for He is no match for Christ in me, But He is Incredibly dangerous. 

Or perhaps these words written in Proverbs 29:18 int eh King James Version “Where there is no vision, the people PERISH: but he that keeps the law, happy is he.”

Again, “Perish” is such a harsh word, yet I live in a harsh reality right now.  The fact is we all do, every day; A Very harsh spiritual reality though we try to ignore it. Yet when we do, do not the consequences eventually catch up with us?

What was the reason nate did what he did? Because he had no vision.  No vision for what his life was really like, no vision of how much he was loved, no vision of Hope.  And even more importantly He had lost sight of the Vision that God had for his life.  As God tells us all, in Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

What Jesus said in Mathew 6:22-23 is so true.  “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness,

Oh Nate! How deep was the darkness you found yourself in!  I mourn for the hole in my soul that you left me with that will never be filled.  But I also grieve for the immense pain you must have felt that drove you to make the choice you made.  I grieve for the deep darkness you experienced.  “How great was that darkness!”

The doctors may say it was over instantly, but it wasn’t.  Like a person with a terminal disease suffers till the moment of death.  You suffered in your soul, and I don’t even know how long because you hid it from us.  Oh, Nate had you only said something!  There is help, there is hope, there is healing, in counseling, in medicine and most importantly in Christ!

A piece of a verse from the King James Bible comes to mind “You have not because you ask not.” But the full verse once again is so powerful and harsh.  James 4:2 2 You desire but do not have, so you KILL. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.

There is health, there is hope, there is healing, there is comfort in God if we would just ask.  Even now as I write, as I sob, as I weep, I feel the hands of the Comforter* on my shoulders as He softly whispers in my ear. “That’s it, Let it out…”

Healing and comfort do not come as a result of the denial of pain, or of the hiding of pain.  But of confessing the pain, of bringing it to the light.  Tears are not a sign of weakness; they are a sing of love.  And Love should not be held in, it should not be dammed up, it should be let flow in each and all its expressions.  Nate, you shared love, the Love of Christ with so many people.  If only you had remembered to ask and receive that love in return that you might have been filled back up with what you had so abundantly poured out. 

*John 14:26 KJV (Jesus said) “But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.”

Dear Reader, whatever grief you feel, whatever pain or heartache you harbor; I implore you. Tell someone, seek counsel, of a trusted friend of a caring mentor, or a counselor or even in deep intimate prayer with the Wonderful Counselor (Isaiah 9:6 For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.)

Ask and you will receive comfort, and let God’s Light, that heals and illuminates and overcomes all the shadows into your heart.  You may very well see things differently when you bring them to the light. 

A Deep Love

I don’t know why I thought about it.  But amid my pain, I thought to myself, would I change it?  (Of course, I wish this hadn’t happened, Of course I cry thinking about what I could have done to prevent it, but the question I am asking is; “Would I never have had children if I knew it would hurt this much?”) You know the saying; it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  If I were to go back knowing that I would have lost my son at the age of 16, would I never have wanted a son.  I f I were to know that I would lose two sons

Between Sam, the miscarriage, and Nate, I now have more children in heaven than I have with me here on earth.  It is at times like this I think I have so much more reward in heaven than hope on earth.  I guess that is always true though. It just takes times like these for us to realize it. 

Today I hate the world.  I am not talking about the people in it, I am talking about the brokenness of this age.  All of it.  The loss, the death, the temporal nature of it all.  Is this what God was talking about when He told us in 1 John 2:15 “Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them.”?

As Jason Aldean sings in “Good to Go” “I’m not planning on leaving yet, but the truth is you just never know, …. I’m good to go.”

I find myself mor deeply understanding Paul’s internal struggle in Philippians 1:21-25 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know!  I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.  Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith,

This world holds les and less value for me, except that I may be found faithful in it when I see Christ face to face. 

But would I change it, would I live with less, would I not have wanted a family.  But isn’t that what God says about us, and some even criticize Him for it.  How it must break God’s heart when his children hurt one another when those He created in His own image, whose stories He has written to be good and eternal, reject Him and His Love and His precious promises. 

He could have prevented all the pain, all the heartache by never creating the human race. Yet He chose to, and now I see….

If I, though far less loving than my eternal Father would do it all over again a thousand times and more even in the midst of my deepest darkest pain.  How much more would God chose a thousand times over to let us live and choose.  Even if we were to choose differently than He desires. 

But I cannot fathom how My great heavenly Father would knowingly plan and release His only Begotten into the wounded world to be betrayed and suffer so that me and mine could enter into His eternal glory.  But that is my great Hope, My firm foundations and my shield and fortress. 

How Deep is the Father’s Love for Us

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Made for More

I have felt numb, almost in shock, and as familiar as I am with the grief journey, this has concerned me.  I keep busy, but I am torn.  Part of me wants to experience healing.  But part of me doesn’t want to slow down and grieve.  Because to slow down to grieve would be to face the fact that my son is gone, that he is not coming back.  Part of me is still in a bit of denial of what I know to be true. 

But now as it has been over three weeks, the inevitable increase in pain begins, the shock wears off and the numbness dissipates as the pain increases.  It is like a woman going into labor within my emotions.  The pains come with increasing regularity, shorter intervals between and increasing pain.  

The other day while working in the attic a song came to mind “Building 429 Where I Belong” as the words came to mind, I remember the words Nate wrote in his Death Note “I’m not made for this world.” No Nate you weren’t made for this world.  This world wasn’t good enough for you.  But that doesn’t mean you couldn’t have found beauty and joy in it a little longer. 

None of us are made for this world, we are all made for something better, yet we are to enjoy the journey as we pass through, to learn the lessons we need to learn in preparation for our destination and to touch the lives of fellow passengers on this train as we pilgrimage to our final destination, our home the place and age we were made for.   

If only you had understood that in your darkest moment, that even the hopelessness you felt was only temporary.  The night is always darkest just before the dawn.

I know you hurt son, but now I am left to carry this pain, a different kind of pain, a pain that won’t go away, that cannot be waved away with a magic wand.  So, I write, I embrace the pain even as the tears fall on this keyboard while I type. 

I listened to a podcast of a story of someone who went through something similar to what I am going through. They said the only way to get past it is to go through it, to dive headlong into the pain.  Like a thousand band-aids on my soul, each one must be ripped off and the pain experienced, they will not peel off slowly and can’t be left on forever. 

Like Jesus words in Mathew 21:42 & 44 Jesus said to them, “Have you never read in the Scriptures: “’The stone the builders rejected has become the cornerstone; the Lord has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes’?....Anyone who falls on this stone will be broken to pieces; anyone on whom it falls will be crushed.”

Jesus was referring to Himself as the Cornerstone of our salvation, when we fall on Him, surrender to Him, we are changed, we are broken to pieces in order to be made whole and holy.  There is no true Christian faith without a brokenness of our own wills and desires and a submission to God to be made new.  We die to the old self and become alive in Christ.  As Jesus explained in Luke 9:24 24 “For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it.”

And so it is with the grief journey I am on.  I must fall upon it, upon the pain, I must be broken to pieces, voluntarily that I can be put back together, not the same, changed for sure.  But healed.  The alternative is only that the weight of grief falls upon me and crushes me because I will never be able to bear its full weight, and it only gets heavier as time goes on. 

Whatever you are going through if you are on a grief journey like me, I pray that you determine to embrace it and find healing.  Lest it infects your soul like a bitter poison and slowly kills you from the inside out. 

But more importantly, have you fallen on the Rock of Salvation that is Christ Jesus and allowed yourself to be broken before Him that you might experience new life, life abundant and eternal.  There is no Christian faith without Transformation, it is not a religion you place in your pocket like a stone of comfort and tradition, it is a Lifestyle of surrender to the God who created you, loves you and died for you.  I hope you call out to Him today.  If you want to know more, simply click here: Tell Me More About Jesus

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(about the thumbnail picture: The Kummakivi Balancing Rock is a natural feature found in a scenic forest region in the southeastern part of Finland)

Decorations

I love Christmas, I really do.  I love the lights and decorations.  I love seeing houses decorated with lights.  Often, I wonder at the houses that are dark with no Christmas decorations this time of year.  But this year I wonder about the inside of the homes.  As I drive by houses with lots of lights and decorations in the yard, I wonder what the inside of the house looks like.  We always do lots of blow ups and lights on the house.  And this year is no different.  My wife, my son, and his friends… our friends have gotten all the blow ups out and the lights on the house. 

Bu on the inside, there is very little decoration.  The tree is up…. And the lights are on the tree, but even that what once was done in a weekend has now taken over a week.  But besides the tree there are no decorations on the inside of the house. 

It reminds me of Jesus’ words to the Pharisees, the religious leaders and hypocrites of His time. In Mathew 23:27 Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean.

Though not unclean or wicked, yes in my grief, woe to me.  I even continue my Advent tradition for the Sundays leading up to Christmas of the Santa hat on top of my cowboy hat, the bright red button up shirt, and candy cane striped bow tie.  Though my smile is a little more forced and not as bright.  It is not hypocrisy; it is merely putting in the effort and working hard at celebrating even if I don’t feel like it as much.  And I say as much, because I still love this time of year, I still love the carols and the magical feeling of Immanuel, “God with Us.” And the celebration of the Saviors birth.  It’s just harder this year. 

And though beautiful on the outside, I feel like on the inside I am carrying around the bones of the dead, the memories of my son. As I think about the bones of the dead, more characteristic of my own soul than my son’s, for even now He is very much alive and celebrating the Savior in the presence of God. The bones of the dead that I carry are my own. 

And as I think of that I think of Ezekiel in the Valley of Bones.  (Ezekiel 37:1-14 By the Power of God Ezekiel prophesies to a valley of dry bones and they come together, and flesh comes on them and they come to life, no not like some zombie apocalypse horror movie, like true beautiful vibrant life.)

So though now for a season, for a season of mourning my soul feels like dry bones, I know by the power of Christ who is the Resurrection and the life, my soul will come alive again.  I will never stop loving Nate, I will never stop missing him till the day I am reunited with him in heaven, the grief will last my whole life, but this season of deep morning will come to an end.  And I will have vibrant life within me once again. 

And that is why I can, as the psalmist says, “Walk through the Valley of the Shadow of death.” (Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.)

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God’s Not Done

Today I do not feel much like writing in this journal.  Today it is more of a discipline than a desire.  Today I am not even sure what to write.  My mind is a jumbled mess.  Yesterday I noticed the affects of grief setting in, the shock wearing off, the sadness increasing in strength, the fog setting in the lack of concentration.

So today begins the work the hard work.  Today I will resolve to live to honor my son.  To honor his legacy, to honor his memory.   I don’t yet know how but it begins with getting out of bed, of getting up, of doing my best to be strong. 

Psalm 138:8 The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.

I’ve been reflecting and meditating a lot on this scripture lately, and it has hit me in a profound way as it relates to Nate.  The Lord will fulfill His purpose for Nate.  Even now.  Nate may be physically gone from this world, but there is an aspect of his presence that lives on in his memory, in the impact that he had on the people around him.  So even though he is no longer actively pursuing God’s purposes for his life on earth that does not mean that God has abandoned this promise to fulfill the purposes God had has for Nate. 

Perhaps this will be my new motivation.  God do not forsake the work of your hands do not abandon the tasks the stories, the purposes you have for nates life.  Even now I know you can, and you are working things together for good.  (Romans 8:28 NLT And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.)

Perhaps there were people whom Nate was assigned to reach with the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the Kingdom of God.  I pray that those people will be touched and reached as even now new relationships and new connections are being made. 

God give me, my family, and others the grace and strength to finish the work you started with Nate.  Let us be able to proclaim this promise in Psalm 126:5 Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy.  Oh, it is not easy, it will not be easy, there are days I will not want to even get out of bed.  So, God give me grace. 

Over the past few weeks, I have been so blessed by Nates friends and classmates as they have come around the farm to help with chores and sat around our table to sit with us and enjoy dinner.  Our home is now fuller physically than it was though even in the midst of that there is still an emptiness. 

Oh, how I do wish Nate had realized how much he was loved by all theses people.  But now even as much as my heart is hurting and grieving it is being filled with a love for people even three weeks ago, I had never met. 

For Thane and Owen, and Mat and Dan and Jacob…. Zoe, Kevin, Sheridon,…. And others (If you read this, I want you to know that my heart is so full of love for you.)

These young people are at the core of my prayer list right now, that God would call them to himself. And Ephesians 3:16-19 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

As you pray for me and my family, would you please pray this scripture over us?

Colossians 4:3-4 And pray for us, too, that God may open a door for our message, so that we may proclaim the mystery of Christ, for which I am in chains. Pray that I may proclaim it clearly, as I should.

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Authenticity

For the first two weeks after Nate’s death, I would shed a few tears at appropriate times.  I would keep myself busy.  But now the shock is wearing off.  Now the visitors are stopping by less frequently, now begins the process of getting back to the real world that has kept on spinning even while I stepped off it for a minute like a child taking a break from the playground Merry Go Round to keep from getting dizzy.  I’ve been told this blog has been raw.  Yet in truth I have probably not yet felt the power of that in my numbness and shock.  I still can’t believe what happened, it still doesn’t make any sense.  

When I started this journal, I was prepared to have some people assume that I was merely putting on a show.  I chose to start anyway.  I am doing this as a way of encouraging myself.  Like David Did at a low point in his life… 1 Samuel 30:6 And David was greatly distressed; …… because the soul of all the people was grieved, every man for his sons and for his daughters: but David encouraged himself (found strength) in the LORD his God.

Yet at the same time I want to be real.  In church yesterday I wrote this down in my notebook.  “I am broken, but I can be made better, I can be healed.”  An aspect of my brokenness surfaced last Thursday.  Through a series of events, in what I had hoped would be my morning quiet time, instead of journaling I found myself arguing with my wife, voice raised, less than cordial (That is putting it mildly, doesn’t it sound so nice when I say it that way?)

Today a struggle back and forth, am I writing this for myself or for you.  I will choose to write for myself.  If I am to experience healing, I need to keep it real, (What do the kids say these days “Keep it 100”?) keep it honest.  1 John 1:8 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.

Yes, my emotions are raw, but that does not justify my sin, rather it reveals what I can normally keep hidden, the brokenness within me.  I asked my oldest son if I am intimidating because of my anger.  He said “Yes, sometimes”. That confession cut like a knife.  It is not that I am physically abusive, or even verbally, but something in me causes me to display my displeasure on my face or in my attitude.   

I sat in church, and I wondered, …. If I was more approachable to my family would my son Nate have come to me.  Oh, that hurts, that stings, even now the tears fall from my eyes.  I know full well it’s not my fault, but what I wouldn’t give to have my son back!

And I know I can’t go back in time I can’t change to past.  So, my prayer is God heal me.  God even use this pain to temper me please because I don’t want to stay the same.  God make me softer make me more approachable, because I can’t fix myself God you know I have tried!  God, I know you can, but am I truly willing to place myself completely in your hands and let you mold me.  God give me the strength and resolve to do that.  Because truth be told I don’t even know if I am strong enough to submit my self completely to you. 

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Choosing Joy

So, in the barn the other day I heard the radio playing some Christmas music.  I began to think about the themes of Christmas.  Those who know me know I love Christmas.  I especially love Advent. The countdown to Christmas, that usually begins the Sunday after Thanksgiving.  We as a family usually decorate our tree that evening with friends.  I love the reding of the Christmas Story. I love the lighting of the advent candle each Sunday before Christmas. 

Each Candle, each week celebrates a different theme.  One of those themes is Joy.  You know how the carol goes, quoting the angels who announced the birth of Jesus to the shepherds, “Joy to the world...”

I thought, how can I have joy now, how can those who have lost, those who mourn those who grieve have joy at a time like this?  When this is supposed to be a season of joy. 

The Lord answered me with this word… Philippians 4:4-5 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.

“Rejoice in the Lord always.” God says… Not just when you feel like it.   I had to let that roll around in my head for a bit. (I had to let it Ruminate) God is not a liar, God is good, God does not demand us do that which He will not give us the ability to do.  And I know the early Christians who wrote the New Testament weren’t living in the most comfortable times when they wrote these things, so they knew the power of what they were saying.  So how do I “Rejoice in the Lord”?

Perhaps I need to re-evaluate what it even means to rejoice?  I think our world and our culture gives us shallow interpretations of things.  But joy is not necessarily ignoring the pain,  it is not anesthetizing ourselves from it (yes I love using big words, so you don’t have to leave this page and go to dictionary.com this one means using any means, alcohol, drugs, social media, busyness, crowds watching TV anything, like an anesthesia to dull or numb the pain or take our minds off of it…)

Having joy, rejoicing in God does not mean that everything is good with the world, it merely means choosing to have a balanced perspective.  People say things are not just black or white there is gray.  While the truth is usually black and white, often uncomfortably so, the world is not. There is beauty and there is pain.  The presence of beauty in a sunrise does not eliminate the pain of grief, nor does the pain of grief eliminate the beauty of a sunrise. 

Having joy, rejoicing in the Lord always, is choosing not to forget the beauty, not to forget the good in this life, in this world even when the pain comes. 

It may be harder, it may take more effort, it may not come as easy, but it is possible.  In fact, the things that are usually the most worthwhile in this life are usually the most powerful, valuable and most challenging things to do. 

So as Christmas approaches, I choose to rejoice.  Because even amid my deepest pain I know that Philippians 4:5 is true Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

So even when I hurt, I chose to rejoice in the Lord. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 tells us what God’s will is for us, for you, for me.  Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

In All circumstances.  ALL CIRCUMSTANCES…

So, I give thanks, for my family, for my faith, for this ministry for all the people whom God has put around me and is bringing around me at this time, for the beautiful outpouring of love from our community.  For the home and the Homestead, He has blessed us with.  For the love of my family for how God is growing me even through the pain I feel.  For his presence during my heartache.  

I choose to rejoice in this Christmas season, because even though it hurts, we still celebrate that Jesus is our Immanuel “God with Us” 

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Being Changed

It’s funny what sticks with you.  Someone told me “This will change you, grief changes you, every loss changes you.”  That hit me.  Yet my resolve is not to remain unchanged, but rather, if God is going to use this to change me, then may I let Him use this to change me for the better. 

It would be easy to let this horrible event in my life change me for the worse.  I assume that it would be the default. 

This will have an effect, but I don’t want to become a victim of my situation. Not that I can say in this moment that I can become a victor.  I will endeavor to grow to “become better not bitter”

This verse comes to mind. 1 Corinthians 15:51 But let me reveal to you a wonderful mystery.  We will not all die, but We will all be Changed!

I know this is in reference to the belief that Christians hold that we look forward to Christ’s return; the promise that He may come even in our lifetime so that some of us may not taste death.

But for the moment I live in the reality of the fact that my son has died, and I have not, Yet I have been changed and am continuing to be changed as I go through this journey. 

You too are being changed.  You and I may not have a choice in the things that happen to us, or around us.  And we may not even have a choice in whether we will change.  But we can determine to engage in activities and exercises to lead ourselves into changes for the better or drift into changes for the worse.

Having been through this grief journey before the advice comes up: “You can do whatever you need to do or want to do to get through this as long as it doesn’t hurt you or somebody else.”  I personally am not sure if that is sound advice.  The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 10:23 “I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything"—but not everything is constructive.

There are things I can do that will help me heal, there are things I can do that will hinder my healing.  There are thought patterns and lines of questions I can let run free in my mind or there are things I can choose to focus on.  I may not be able to stop every thought that comes up, but I can choose which ones to dwell on.  (Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about (dwell on) such things.)

There are practices, and exercises that will draw me closer to God and things that will only numb my brain and prolong the pain. 

I have been thinking a lot about how we are designed in the image and likeness of God.  (Genesis 1:26 Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness,…)  We are created to be good, loving, Holy.  That is why the Bible tells us to be Holy 1 Peter 1:16 for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.”

Anything other than that is evidence of or a result of brokenness, a departure from God’s original design for us.  Now while some would expect goodness or demand it out of human strength, goodness is actually a result of spiritual and emotional health.  And health whether physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual, is not a natural given, it requires disciplined self-care, exercise, and a healthy diet. 

If I am to become better, especially in this time it will happen because of exercising my faith, through ministry, journaling, prayer, sharing, worship, giving thanks and rejoicing in God.  Not because I necessarily feel like it, but because it will be beneficial to me.  I don’t always feel like eating healthy, I don’t always feel like exercising, but whether I feel like it or not those things produce health in me. 

It says in 2 Corinthians 3:18 And we all, who with uncovered faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

So I can run from God, I can hide from God I can think in my heart that God is unloving and cruel.  Or I can run to God, I can dwell on, even in the questioning, that God is Good, God is Glorious and that He will work things out for my good as it says in Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

And if I am to grow spiritually to become a better version of myself, I need to make the decision and determine that I will do that, I will cooperate with God in what he desires to do in me. I won’t stay the same, I will move forward. 

1 Peter 1:14 As obedient children, do not conform to your old way of life you had when you lived in ignorance.

Romans 12:2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing, and perfect will.

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“Digging”

Honestly, I am confused, shocked amazed at al the people who tell me, “I couldn’t handle it the way you are, How do you do it? It would crush me…”

For one it is not like I have a choice.  This is what I have to go through now.  “The Valley of the shadow of death” Psalm 23:4 NKJV Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

But where I am today, how I have learned to handle my grief has come from what I have gone through in life, and through my own “digging”.  I have lost a brother and a best friend to suicide.  I have lost my 4-year-old son to a tragic drowning at a church picnic.  I have lost my mother who was a saint and was taken home abruptly we assume by heart attack or something similar.  And now I have lost my teenage son.  Though this last loss hurts differently.  It hits harder, there is a difference between losing a 4-year-old and a sixteen-year-old. 

Nate and I worked together. Our farm operation was run mostly by him and my son Liam.  I relied on him for a lot.  I know I will make it through this.  Right now, I just don’t know how.

But as I think about the question, I keep getting asked my mind wanders to Jesus words in the Gospel of Luke chapter 6.

Luke 6:46-49 “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?  As for everyone who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice, I will show you what they are like.  They are like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built.  But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.”

The strength of my faith, my conviction, my resolve is not just a simple, “I believe in God” it is the result of “digging” wrestling, stumbling, falling, learning, asking, crying…. And I’m still digging.  Perhaps the hardest digging is in these “Dark Nights of the Soul”. 

And as I write this, I think perhaps this is just me in simple obedience doing what Jesus has told me to do.  And so even as I hope you are ministered to as you are reading this.  This is for me.  This is my journaling this is my processing my faith in the midst of my pain. 

I think it is because if I don’t, I will be lost, my destruction will be complete.  And as I thought this morning, how important it is to stay active in my faith.  James 2:17 For faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. 

Because in the midst of my pain my heart yearns, longs, begs for comfort.  And if I do not actively seek comfort in God, my human nature will seek comfort, in things that do not build up, that do not satisfy, or perhaps even things that are destructive. Without God grief can lead to addictions, to more brokenness. 

So I will continue to “dig”.

And I hope you too will dig down through the things that don’t last, that don’t heal. That don’t satisfy.  Through all the shifting sand until you find the rock you can build you house upon.  The Rock of Jesus Christ Himself.    

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Farther Along

There is an old Hymn, and for those of you who know my taste in worship you know I connect usually with the more contemporary worship music.  But occasionally I do enjoy an old hymn, as the words are deep, rich, and teaching us of a more robust faith.  The Hymn that came to my mind recently was “Farther Along” The words go “Farther along we’ll know all about it, farther along we’ll understand why…”

Yet in this moment I wonder if that is really even true.  For all the shallow cliches I hear like “When we get to heaven, we will get all the answers.”

(As a side note, talking about the cliches I hear; for everyone who is saying that they are praying for me; Are you?  Do you pray? Even more importantly do you know the one you are praying to?  I say this not as condemnation but rather as n encouragement.  I Want you to know the one I pray to, to know His comfort to recognize His voice!  To know His strength and power.  I don’t need you to lie to me and try to make me feel better by saying you are praying, and I don’t know how effective your words to the wind are if you do not yet know who it is you are praying to, unless your prayer is that you want to know Him! Just please be real and authentic with me right now, if you are not praying, just tell me you are thinking of me, tell me you are sending good thoughts or good vibes.  Prayer is a real and powerful thing.  James 5:16 KJV The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.)

Yet I see it here and now, in the moments spent with loved ones, for a second we share memories, and we laugh and reminisce.  And just for a brief moment there is laughter, happiness and joy as we forget the great cloud of grief that is over us.  But is heaven less than that?  No, I don’t think so.

I think heaven is actually that feeling of joy, of peace perpetually. Romans 14:17 “For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.” (Emphasis mine) My idea of heaven is not a vision of angels and clouds and harps.  It is one of such inexpressible beauty and joy in the presence of God.   

So, I think when we get there we will be so swept up in the wonder and awesomeness of it all that we will be so filled with joy that we won’t even think to ask the questions of what and why things happened down here in this broken place.  As the Apostle Paul wrote in Romans 8:18 “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”

I believe that is where Nate is right now.  I don’t think he is spending every moment watching us, I don’t think he has time to second guess his mistakes or wrong choices, He is living in complete total grace.  I don’t think he is asking why things were the way they were.  He is living in such freedom. Now he is in a place where that goofy grin will never leave his face.  He is not crying for us; He is experiencing the fullness of the Joy of God.  And so will we someday.  I don’t think we will spend our time in heaven asking why or even desiring to understand the pain.  We will just be engulfed in the comfort of the Lord forever.   

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Knowledge Puffs Up

When I found my son, after the shock and the screaming. It hit me with a finality.  He had made a decision and a choice that you can’t go back from. 

I’ve mourned before, and for days prayed for a resurrection like Jesus did with Lazarus.  (For those unfamiliar wth the story it is found in the Bible in the Gospel of John Chapter 11 verses 1-44, Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead even 3 days after Lazarus had died)

But this was complete, it was final.  There was no discussion, no chance to help, nothing to prevent, no warning signs. 

Of course, there are lingering questions.  How long had Nae struggled with this depression?  Did I miss the signs?  Could I have done something? Could I have said something?

And yet, by the grace of God there is a peace.  I have no regrets.  I loved my son, I told him I loved him, I showed him I loved him, I talked with him, worked with him, spent time with him.  So, when the questions try to rise, I am equipped to say as David said in Psalm 131:1 My heart is not proud, LORD, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too lofty for me. (Confession, I replaced the word wonderful with “lofty” I like the word lofty, it is found in some translations, and at this time on this subject using the word wonderful or awesome does not seem to fit the mood.)

I will never know, and even if I did, even if I had all the answers right now, if I knew all the details it would not bring my son back, and I doubt it would provide any comfort.  Facts seldom provide any real comfort. 

There are those who came, even shortly after my loss, with the questions of why what and how.  For me this is a mere nuisance and slight irritation. I am strong with the strength Christ gives me and have a grace that comes from years of ministering to others.  Yet I have concern for my wife and son Liam.  How they might receive these questions. 

Perhaps it is in the human heart to try to figure things out, the lie that if we have enough knowledge we can be in control.  Control is an illusion.  We are not in control of very much in this broken world.  Perhaps self-control, and yet even that is a gift from God (Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.)

But even when it comes to self-control how often do we say as the Apostle Paul did in Romans 7:15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

Maybe that is why David referred to it as Pride in Psalm 131 the searching for answers.  The pride of thinking we can be in control with enough knowledge. 

Had I known what would it achieve? Could I watch that young man every second of the day.  Could I control him and make him feel the way he should.  I fear the answer is no.  Perhaps counseling would have helped, could have helped, perhaps medicine.  Even then I could not force him to partake of either. 

If you struggle as my son did, I do Implore you to try!  To try anything, talk to somebody please!  I myself have been through counseling, I myself have had trusted friends to talk to and I myself have taken medication for depression and anxiety when needed to get me through, and I have found hope and healing.  It is possible! 

But answers to the questions are not what we need right now.  We need not wisdom unless it is the wisdom to Love.  As John Wesley said: “An ounce of love is worth a pound of knowledge.”

As 1 Corinthians 8:1 says, “We know that ‘We all possess knowledge.’ But knowledge puffs up while love builds up.”

I hope that we all in this time make a concentrated effort to build one another up.  For the Bible has much instruction on this matter:

1 Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

1 Peter 1:22 Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for each other, love one another deeply, from a pure heart.

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The Cliché’s and the Questions

At times like this, there are a lot of repeated and recited phrases.  Some I appreciate, some make me cringe.  Perhaps part of my ramblings today might be words of advice to those who attempt to minister to anyone in the throws of mourning. 

For instance, “You Have to be strong.”  What does that even mean?  When I am hurting, please don’t tell me that I have to do anything.  That goes along with the phrase “I have to believe.” (See yesterday’s post)

On the other hand, probably the most honest thing is “There are no words.” Because the truth is there aren’t.  There is somehow comfort in your willingness to just sit with me and be with me. 

Please be careful when you say, “If there is anything you need…..”  often, I hear people follow it up with “I really men it.” As Jesus said in Mathew 5:37 “All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ anything beyond this comes from the evil one.”  But please, think good and hard before you say this.  I know everyone has the best intentions.  But if I asked you to take the day off work, to help me, would you?  And if you financially can’t afford to, that’s fine, but just be careful when you say you would do “ANYTHING”. Remember, my world has stopped, it has been shattered and your world may continue to spin. 

In a past grief journey had someone tell me that they couldn’t make it to the funeral because they had a wedding to go to.  If that’s the case, don’t tell me.  Ecclesiastes 7:2 says It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of everyone; the living should take this to heart.

Please don’t ask me why, please don’t ask for details.  If I am comfortable, I will share when I am ready.  All you really need to know is that I am hurting.  For the moment that is all that matters. 

But there is a question for me that keeps coming up, or a phrase.  “I don’t know how you do it…” “I couldn’t handle what you are going through…” “How are you so strong?”

And on a personal note, if I might explain.  For me, “Nate is in a better place.” Is not just a religious cliché that I say to make myself feel better.  It is a truth I KNOW.  The Bible says that true followers of Jesus do not grieve the same way others do. 1 Thessalonians 4: Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.

Yes, I grieve, yes, I go through a period of mourning, but it is a grief with hope a mourning with faith.  True faith has substance, true faith in Jesus has power.  Hebrews 11:1 KJV Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

My faith is not a religion, it is the power of God working in me through His abiding Spirit.  Christians use the saying “It’s not a religion it is a relationship”.  It is not attending church, it is not going to mass, it is not first communion, confirmation CCD.  It is not memorizing bible verses or having a “Christian education”. 

It is knowing the voice of Jesus, having met him in a spiritual sense face to face.  It is Him living in me by His Spirit.   2 Corinthians 4:7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.

In fact, it is my prayer that through this tragedy if you do not yet know Jesus, if you do not have him living inside of you that somehow you might meet Him.  Because frankly I don’t know how you can endure this grief without that strength. 

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How Can You Still Love God?

This was a question from a dear friend, a sister in Christ, a believer.  As a representative of Jesus (2 Corinthians 5:20 We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God.) I have learned not to shirk away from these questions.  I think it is a shallow faith, a shallow Christianity that tries to defend God and sweep these questions under the rug as if we have no right to question God.  A shallow faith will not anchor us through the storms of these times. 

The God I know is big enough to handle our questions to handle our shaking our fists at Him, Our screaming at Him as well as our crying on His shoulders. (Listen to the song “Bring it On” by Trace Adkins)

So, I welcome the question, because it is raw, and honest.  It is real, as real as My God.  So how can I still love God?  Because I know God, and to know God is to Love Him.  (1 John 4:9 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.) God is love.  God did not pull the trigger; God was not the one whispering lies of doubt and fear and deceit in the ear of my son that night. 

Jesus described Satan this way in John 8:44 He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies. And again, in John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.

God did not tempt or test Nate in this way. James 1:13 When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone.

Now Nate is in the presence of the God who is Love.  He is in a place where those voices will no longer torture him.  He is in a safe space. 

I cringe when I hear people say “I have to believe…” I have to believe there is a bigger plan….I have to believe that Nate is in Heaven….. I have to believe in God because I want to see my son again….”

In this moment I have a choice. You have a choice; we all have a choice.  To cling to the God who is Love or to choose the darkness.  I believe it is John Wesley who said, “Every Decision is a choice to turn toward eternal Joy or towards Eternal Misery”.

God has given us a choice. Deuteronomy 30:19-20 This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

Does God prevent every bad thing on earth? Obviously not. And he never said he would, in fact Jesus said in John 16:33 “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  

You have a choice today, to experience the healing that comes from the one who loves your soul as he said, “I have come to bind up the brokenhearted.” (See Luke 4:14-21) You can choose to let him help you get better, or you can turn away and grow ever bitter.  I hope you choose Love.

“But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” (Joshua 24:15)

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Give Thanks?!

I wasn’t going to write a journal entry today.  I reasoned, not to bother people, to let them enjoy their thanksgiving.  Then God spoke to me this morning.  He reminded me that people loved and miss Nate just like I do, even today.  Maybe especially today.  God reminded me that this journal is for me, it is for my family.  It is for all of us who love Nate. 

Then God brought to my mind this verse from the Bible…. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Like so much of the Bible it is easier to memorize than to live out.  It is easy to live out in the good times, but to really Give thanks in EVERY circumstance?! How?

I must first make the explanation and disclaimer.  God does not tell us to Give thanks for everything.  God does not demand we give thanks for every circumstance, but “IN”, in the midst of every circumstance.  Like the Casting Crowns song, I Will “Praise You IN the Storm”. 

This command is for us.  It is not to say that everything is good, in life, because this side of heaven nothing is ever totally good, the world is full of brokenness, of this we are even more keenly aware in this time. 

My world is shattered, I would give anything to have my son back.  Though I lived first for Christ, my world still revolved and revolves around my family.  My dream was to be successful enough to be able to live and work with my family, to buy more property close by, to expand and diversify our operation so that I could keep my sons close if they so choose. 

Just the other day as Nate and I worked together I told him.  “I enjoyed working with you today, Nate, it was fun. This is what I want this is what I am working for.”  Of course, I wonder if I was smarter, a better businessman, if I was more successful, if I could have paid him more maybe he would still be here…..

 But I know I have done the best I can with all that I have been given.  And it was the darkness that took Nate.  The darkness alone, the darkness that blinded him to all that life had for him to the future he could have still had on this earth.  It was nothing I did, it was nothing You did or didn’t do, it was nothing we said or didn’t say.  It was the darkness….

But on this Thanksgiving Day, how do we; How do I “Give thanks in all Circumstances”? 

Because God knows the only way to survive this, is to remember that though the world is broken there is still good in it. 

Today I give thanks that I was given the honor and privilege by God to be the father of such a wonderful young man.  A man that truly can be described as “A man after God’s own heart”!  I had a role to play in that, though I cannot take all the credit, some of his excellence is in spite of my shortcomings, and because of the grace of God in his life. 

I am thankful for all the people who have surrounded me and loved on me in this hard time.

I am thankful for all the prayers. 

I am thankful for the meals and the help. 

I am so thankful, my wife and I both are, for all the people who shared memories at the funeral yesterday.  Especially to the Nate’s friend and fellow classmates.  To each and every one of you I am So proud of you for standing up in front of all those people and speaking from your hearts!  I encourage you from 1 Timothy 4:12 Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.

I am thankful for the handful of friends that came and helped with barn work last night.  We love you.  We appreciate you, each and every one of you. 

So today.  Even if your heart is heavy remember to give thanks because we still do have so much to be thankful for and if we forget that we will be crushed. 

So think about Nate and when you do….

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble (about Nate), whatever is right(about Nate), whatever is pure(in Nate), whatever is lovely(about Nate), whatever is admirable(about Nate)—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy(about Nate)—think about such things. Because there are many.

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A Short Life

In just a little while my wife and two sons and I will be headed to the funeral home to prepare for our last final goodbye to Nate…..

Mathew 20:1-16 (Jesus said) “For the kingdom of heaven is like a landowner who went out early in the morning to hire workers for his vineyard.  He agreed to pay them a denarius for the day and sent them into his vineyard.

“About nine in the morning he went out and saw others standing in the marketplace doing nothing.  He told them, ‘You also go and work in my vineyard, and I will pay you whatever is right.’  So they went.

“He went out again about noon and about three in the afternoon and did the same thing. 6 About five in the afternoon he went out and found still others standing around. He asked them, ‘Why have you been standing here all day long doing nothing?’

 “‘Because no one has hired us,’ they answered.

“He said to them, ‘You also go and work in my vineyard.’

 “When evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his foreman, ‘Call the workers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last ones hired and going on to the first.’

“The workers who were hired about five in the afternoon came and each received a denarius.  So when those came who were hired first, they expected to receive more. But each one of them also received a denarius.  When they received it, they began to grumble against the landowner.  ‘These who were hired last worked only one hour,’ they said, ‘and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the work and the heat of the day.’

“But he answered one of them, ‘I am not being unfair to you, friend. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarius? Take your pay and go. I want to give the one who was hired last the same as I gave you. Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?’

“So the last will be first, and the first will be last.”

I had always interpreted this to be about people who did not accept Jesus as their Lord until later in life.  And on the main level it is about that.  Yet I have learned that as deep as God is, His word is multidimensional, it is layered in meaning that allows it to be as 2 Timothy 3:16 says “All Scripture is God-breathed(inspired) and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,”

And as Hebrews 4:12 says “For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints, and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”

Because God word is alive it still speaks to us today with incredible relevance and application, though it may have been penned over 2,000 years ago.

So as I meditated, and mused over what I am going through this passage came to my mind and I saw it in reverse.  Nate may only have worked a few hours in the vineyard, but he worked as unto the Lord.  He worked with passion with Joy with Love.  He cared and showed the true Agape (Greek for unconditional) Altruistic love of God.  He, like God, was no respecter of persons. (Acts 10:34 Then Peter opened his mouth, and said, “I now realize how true it is that God is no respecter of persons” (God does not show partiality or favoritism))

And though Nate only walked this earth 16 years, his reward, will be no less.  There is no doubt in my mind that he is in heaven.  Because of the grace of God and the faith and trust that Nate put in Jesus.  Even though Nate may have lost sight of that hope in the darkness, it is a truth that carries through. 

My heart goes out to Nate’s friends.  I love each one of you, and so does Nate, so does God, so does Jesus.  I encourage you to run your race, live your life with zeal.  Even in the darkest times don’t lose sight of the hope that God has for your tomorrow.  Live this life to the fullest even as you await the day you enter into the next age and see Nate and Jesus face to face.

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Refusing to be comforted

One of the first scriptures that came to my mind as I mourned in shock at the tragedy that had just struck my home.  It was the words I texted to a few very dear close friends because I had no idea even how to begin to tell them what had happened.....

Jeremiah 31:15 This is what the Lord says: “A voice is heard in Ramah, mourning and great weeping, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because they are no more.”

Refusing to be comforted.  So many times, the question is asked, “Is there anything I can do?” And almost every time I want to ask, “Can you bring him back?”  Sometimes I mumble it, most times I don’t.  Is there really anything anyone can do in a time like this? 

Of course, so many people have been so helpful, and the prayers of the saints have held us up as if we are kept afloat on a spiritual life raft from drowning in overwhelming sorrow.  Amazingly people look at us as if we are the strong ones, I know where the strength comes from, it comes from God, it comes from our faith, but it is most definitely fueled by the prayers of those who love us.  This strength this faith is not a sole independent endeavor on my part or the part of my family.  It is a direct result of the love expressed in those who cry out to God on our behalf. 

If you have ever doubted the power of your prayers let me, tell you now, I am very much aware of the power of each cry that goes out to God on our behalf in this time.  And I personally beseech you, as it says in Thessalonians 5:17 “Pray without Ceasing.”

But even as I texted Jeremiah 31:15 to my friend, one texted me back the next verses

Jeremiah 31:16-17 This is what the Lord says: “Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work will be rewarded,” declares the Lord. “They will return from the land of the enemy.  So, there is hope for your descendants,” declares the Lord. “Your children will return to their own land.

I am sure the overly religious would criticize me for my personal stretch in my interpretation of this scripture for myself at this time.  I know the historical context.  But for me the land of the enemy is the depression my son was in, and He is now out of that land and out of that darkness, he is at peace with total joy in the presence of my God and my Savior…..

There is hope for my son.  My son will return to his own land…. I know he will not return to me, (2 Samuel 12:23 But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him[eventually], but he will not return to me.”) but this world is not my home any more than it was Nate’s home.  As Christians we identify as travelers through this world on our way to our final destination, a Kingdom without end.  Some people call it Heaven, some call it the Kingdom of God, some call it paradise.  That is where our citizenship lies.  That is where Nate is now. 

What am I trying to say?! Exactly what God’s word tells me…. Even in the darkest sorrow there is hope, even though I may refuse to be comforted for a moment still God’s word comforts me. 

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On November 16, 2022, my 16-year-old son Nate died.

That word “Died “ is so harsh. And yet I heard someone say Nate “passed, or passed away” but he didn’t. When an old man slowly drifts off to sleep in hospice care they “pass away” when an elderly person who has lived a long and full life has a heart attack and just doesn’t wake up, they have passed. But my son leaving this world the way he did was harsh, cruel and deserves wording as strong as the grief it produces. His death cannot be sugar coated with gentle words.

As Keith Whitley once sang “I’m No Stranger to the Rain” There are times I feel like Jeremiah as the Prophet Jeremiah in the Bible is referred to as the weeping Prophet. 

When tragedy hits so close to home the question arises, will I do the funeral of someone so close to me?  My first official assignment as a minister was to do my younger brother’s funeral.  I gave the eulogy at the funeral for my son Samuel.  But part of me regrets not doing the funeral service for him.  For me this is how I process, this is how I grieve.  This sitting down and writing and working through the emotion, this finding strength and comfort in Christ.  In speaking and sharing.  But this time I think I will leave that platform to some kindred spirits of mine.  And I will process through my grief on the online platform that has been set up at though Outa the Box Ministries.

Therefore, I determined to do this blog, to do this for myself, to do this for my sons Liam and Eligh, and for my wife Bobbie-Jo.  This is what I do, this is my calling.  Perhaps this might help one person somewhere find the comfort and strength in God that I have found.  Will some people take ti the wrong way, of this I am fairly certain, will some people think I am putting on some kind of show? Probably.  But as the poem written on the wall of Mother Teresa's home for children in Calcutta, India says “Do it Anyway”.

I could have put this on Facebook but assumed it would get lost in the news feed or else bombarded people who did not wish to participate in reading my heartbroken ramblings.  So I have set up this blog to which people can be a part of if they choose. 

Below is one of the first things that God spoke to me as I cried out the next morning, “Oh my son Nate! My son, My Son Nate…

 2 Samuel 18, 19

(18:33) The king was shaken. He went up to the room over the gateway and wept. As he went, he said: “O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you—O Absalom, my son, my son!”

(19:4) The king covered his face and cried aloud, “O my son Absalom! O Absalom, my son, my son!”

(19:5) Then Joab went into the house to the king and said, …. (19:7) Now go out and encourage your men

(19:8) So the king got up and took his seat in the gateway. When the men were told, “The king is sitting in the gateway,” they all came before him.

I will endeavor to encourage others even as I encourage myself in the LORD.  (1 Samuel 30:6 King James Version “And David was greatly distressed;…: but David encouraged himself in the LORD his God.”)

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Do You Want a Pastor?

Someone close to me asked if I wanted them to call a Pastor to come visit with us.  Immediately my mind went to Ephesians 4:11-12 So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors, and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up.

I told them “No”.  I had no desire for a pastor to come visit.  According to scripture it is not the job of the pastor to visit with every hurting, grieving, person, to be at every bedside, or in every hospital room.  This I believe in some cases has been a construct of the world.  A way for nominal Christians to shirk their responsibility and leave the uncomfortable activities of all our calling to the “Professional Christians”. 

It is the primary job of Pastors to teach, train and equip every member of their church who is a true member of the body of Christ and His eternal kingdom to be a representative of Christ.  This is why Christians have come to use the phrase “hands and feet of Jesus”    

I have seen the error of trying as a pastor to be everything for everybody, it is not a viable model.  The pastor who tries to comfort every pain by themselves will burn out.  This is the model of the church that the world designs, but it is not the model of the church that God designed and gave us in His Word the Bible. 

Over the next several days the body of Jesus did not disappoint.  It was not the visit from a pastor that brought the most comfort and strength, it was friends calls and texts, it was visits and meals, it was those willing to go shopping for cereal, and tissues and coffee.  Those that came and played with my 5-year-old, that swept floors, that folded laundry, that fed cows and lent a spare milk pump when ours broke, who worked on the electric in the barn and brought in firewood, those who picked up equipment and helped plan the repast.

To each and every one of you, Thank you.  Thank you for not only loving us, but for showing us the Love of Jesus in our darkest hour.  Thank you for making that love be more than a feeling, more than words, but true heartfelt actions. 

I have heard it taught that Love is not a noun, it is not a feeling, but it is a verb, an action.  There is another book besides the Bible that I hold dear, (Don’t Squat with yer Spurs on, A Cowboy’s guide to life) it is a collection of sayings and this one rings true.  “A body can pretend to care, but they can’t pretend to be there”.

Often it was just the willingness of a person to come and sit and be with us, to be there, with no words as there are no words to say at a time like this.  But to those who are willing to be uncomfortable with us in our discomfort, we ae truly grateful.  As the Bible instructs us in Romans 12:15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

Again, Thank you All!